Back by popular demand. This is a guest post by BlueM. You can find his newest ebook here.
I’ll get straight to the point.
If you’re coming to Korea and want a serious relationship with a Korean woman, think twice!
Contrary to what many clueless people say: dating or getting seriously involved with a Korean woman, isn’t easy at all. In fact it can be downright frustrating no matter how much you love each other!
I’ve been living in South Korea for more than 3 years, going on dozens of dates and then dating many Korean women not because I wanted to, but because of I had no other choice: I’m a foreigner.
I’ll explain.
I’ve read books about the country, am learning the language, and have helped both foreigners and Koreans with their dating lives. These are my conclusions:
Korea has some of the most beautiful and fun women in the world, but if you want to have a serious relationship with them in Korea you need to understand and accept a few things.
You need to understand that dating a foreigner is still seen as taboo here. On top of that, you’re going to have communication barriers beyond just language. Finally, you need to ask yourself how long you plan on living in Korea and if it’s worth it at all!
Dating a foreigner is still taboo!
When it comes to relationships, the only difference between dating in North Korea and South Korea is that both countries have different governments (Not that I’ve tried anything in North Korea! 
)
In spite of the “integration” that’s been happening in South Korea’s tourism industry, a Korean woman dating a foreign man is frowned upon and a woman’s peers assume that she is unable to find a proper Korean man so she has to settle for a foreigner.
I’m sorry, but that’s how it is in Korea. I told you, this is going to be brutal, but if you plan on coming here, I want you to know what I wish someone had told me. I want you to know just what you’re facing so that you won’t be as disappointed as I have been countless times.
To add to the fire, foreigners are harshly misrepresented in the Korean media, especially English Teachers. The standard viewpoint of English Teachers is that they’re “losers back home” who can’t get a proper job. Armed with their fake degrees, they’ll come to Korea to make more money than they’re worth in the marketplace, or to spread AIDS with everyone who’s wearing a skirt.
I hate to say it, but foreigners will never be a part of Korean society as we know it: harmonious, functional, “pure”…
Discover the 3 main choices Korean women make!
So what happens? Korean women either:
a/ choose to go overseas and don’t tell their peers about their relationship(s) with foreigners
b/ choose to have a fling (or two) with foreigners just to satisfy a curiosity
c/ choose to go against their peers and thus against Korean society
When my Korean friends go overseas for the first time, I warn them. I tell them that they will not be the same person when they come back.
Like flying fish that jump out of the water for the first time, they will know that there is more to life than the society in which they grew up in (as for anyone leaving their native surroundings for the first time!)
Some of my Korean friends liked travelling so much that they never really came back. Their bodies might be back in Korea, but their minds and imagination is still overseas.
Choice (b) is very common in Korea. Now with an influx of foreign foods, goods, and people, both men and women are “sampling” foreigners to satisfy their curiosity.
This has hurt me the most. Many times I have had women leave our relationship simply because they never saw it as anything serious anyway (Not that there’s anything really wrong with that.)
Korean women are starting to explore their sexuality (which is great news) but they would not consider a serious relationship with a foreigner because of the reasons I talk about here.
For the last choice, Korean women must seriously consider what their peers will think of them. They have to deal with the stares that they’ll be getting on the street, in the subway, when they try to introduce you to their families. Not to mention the barrage of questions they’ll be getting such as “Is he just another English Teacher?” or “Wasn’t he on T.V. For raping so and so?”
Note: I’m not even speaking for the foreigners who aren’t Westerners. If you’re from developing countries or aren’t white, then get ready to deal with worse than what I’m talking about here!
If you’re in Korea, you’ll have to accept the fact that some old man (adjoshi) might chase you down , yelling obscenities at your girlfriend just because she is with you. Sure, this is rare, but I’ve had it happen and have heard about it happen to too many friends to ignore it.
Just a few months ago, this article came out. Times are changing but are they changing fast enough so that your Korean girlfriend can feel comfortable enough to just walk with you?
Communication issues
Dating someone from another culture is challenging not only because of the ‘language problem’. You also have to understand and accept that the other person has other values and beliefs too! For Korean women, they hold values and beliefs that their society and culture have given them ever since they were little girls.
For one thing, many Korean women have the fears that I’ve talked about earlier.You also need to understand that in general Korean society tends to value:
- harmony more than justice
- the group more than the individual
- conformity more than independence
- silence more than sound
- not being seen as wrong more than being right
- social status more than the person who has it
These differences in values are what frustrates foreigners the most both in sexual and non-sexual relationships. If you plan on coming to Korea and what to date Korean women, you need to understand that in most cases, what they value and seek out of a relationship is different than what you might expect from your home country…radically different!
We’re not even talking about the language barrier yet. So imagine you are attracted to a Korean woman, and she is attracted to you. The fact of the matter is, if you can’t communicate with her then building anything ‘long term’ will be difficult, if not impossible.
Sure, you can get involved, and even have a relationship started, but eventually she and you will want to talk about deeper things and feelings. Not only that, but you will both have different expectations in your relationship.
Foreigners aren’t in Korea forever
Finally, you need to ask yourself one question: Is South Korea a place you plan on settling in or not?
Many foreigners choose to leave after a taste of Korea and that makes locals conclude that foreigners aren’t in Korea for the long term.
Many Korean women don’t want to get emotionally involved with a foreigner because somewhere in their mind, they figure that the foreigner will leave sooner or later.
What about you? Are you planning on making Korea a place to live in? Or are you just passing by? If you’ve just come to Korea, then don’t worry about this question. You’ll have plenty of time during your stay here to ask yourself that.
The reason why I pose this question to you because you have to be honest with both yourself and with the women you’re with. I personally believe that if you’re not planning on staying here for more than a year, then just have fun and enjoy your time here (just don’t lie to the women you’re with! )
Know what you’re dealing with and stay aware!
If you’re like me, and you’re seriously considering getting involved with a Korean woman, then understand the obstacles and roadblocks you’ll facing and start looking for that diamond in the rough!
Sure, my experience is that of a typical guy in his late-twenties living in Seoul. Please don’t get me wrong. I’m not trying to be a pessimist. In fact I believe that if you’re willing to accept these facts (with an emphasis on “accept”) you can find ways around it. Many people have and are both in happy relationships and happily married in Korea.
I’m also not saying that there aren’t valid reasons for the circumstances we face. Too many foreigners have been careless and foolish here. Too many Koreans got hurt and they don’t want others to suffer the same fate. That’s why I’ve chosen to share my thoughts with you and prepare you for this wonderful country with it’s own wonders and challenges.
Thanks for reading!
BlueM
Popularity: 15% [?]
Good stuff. I especially, like the frankness…you definitely get kicked in the teeth every now and then in Korea, but it’s well worth it
I would agree with most of this… I was with a Korean girl for a short while and she told me that her friends in Korea were worried that she was with me and encouraged her not to pursue a serious relationship. We\’re still friends now but the relationship ended more for religious reasons. She was a devout Christian, (as many Koreans are), and basically thought I was going to hell because I no longer considered myself a Christian… kind of a deal breaker in a long term relationship for me…
I’ll start by saying that I am not replying with the intention of insulting the author or to begin a debate. My comments reflect my opinion and my experience living in Korea. The author clearly has his opinions and experiences and I don’t mean to insult, cast doubt or belittle his opinions or experience in any way. I respect his opinion, and only comment in order to share my slightly similar, yet also different view on dating and relationships in Korea. I hope my opinion is respected equally.
Many of the comments expressed in the author’s comments reflect a side of the dating world in Korean society that many expats have experienced. I have experienced some of what is described myself. I do not, however, feel that it is fair to condemn the entire society with this label, or to suggest that foreigners casually dating or in more serious relationships with Korean women will experience this with such guarantee.
Korea has a complex social system, of this there is no doubt. However, just as in all societies, it is filled with a wide spectrum of people. Some lean left privately, others publicly. Some lean right privately, others publicly. Mixed-race couples in Korea sadly, but inevitably cross paths with a loud-mouthed intolerant racist at some point, but this is also true of mixed-race couples in our home countries (whether it be in North America, Europe, Asia or anywhere else.)
We may not hear about it as often, but asking friends in mixed-race relationships at home will almost certainly verify that it occurs. Because the couple at home understand the hidden nuances of society at home, they understand that those unpleasant encounters do not represent the views of the society. They ignore the ignorant comments, understanding they only represent an uneducated, often mentally unstable minority. Compared to our home societies, Korea remains a much less well-understood society regardless of the amount of time we’ve lived here.
Many foreigners have decoded, analyzed and integrated very little of Korean society. Many are perplexed by the motivations that govern thoughts, opinions, decisions and actions of native members of Korean society. They insist on trying to make sense of what’s really going on here by applying the filter of reason and rationale that they use in their home societies. Others have dropped the formulas that successfully predict thought and behavior at home, and have found a somewhat deeper understanding of this foreign society by creating new formulas. These individuals have integrated more fully and generally more happily.
It is important to note though, that regardless of the level of integration, they still have a far inferior understanding of Korean society than they do of society in their home country. The confusion and misunderstanding of Korean society, and the opinions and actions of individuals in Korea leads them to overestimate the level of intolerance and ignorance, and what is easily brushed off at home as the rantings of a member of the closed-minded fringes of society, is mistakenly taken as representative of a larger group with a more mainstream view.
Three years is really only the very beginning of the decoding, revising and reexamining process when it comes to developing any level of real understanding of an extremely complex social system and society like Korea’s. After three years, I thought I truly understood quite a lot. After four I understood much more, but firmly realized how much less I had understood after three. After five years, the same was true when looking back to four. This has continued through what is now my 14th year in Korea. Although I understand Korean thought and motivation, and the rules and playbook that govern Korean society much more now, I know that in many situations, my understanding is far less than complete. I have no doubt that it will continue to grow and develop, but will never reach absolute, confident, complete understanding.
In my experience, there are many kinds of women in Korea, with a variety of possible motivations for being with a foreigner in Korea. This is equally true in our home countries. Some attract more attention from the undesirable members of society than others. However, I have found, and do believe that the overwhelming majority of people in Korean society recognize when they see a couple in a deep relationship and respect it. Sometimes there is a curiosity, and some may even ask unusual questions. This is often mistaken as being malicious or insulting in nature, but is actually always innocent. Of course, there are the idiots young or old. There always will be, but they exist at home in more or less equal numbers.
My problem with the original post was that it didn’t include all the positive possibilities that many experience. To say that the negative things are what people should expect, without also mentioning the positives is inaccurate, misleading, and unfair.
If your choice is to make it all about no-strings-fun relationships, then make sure its mutual and enjoy the experiences. Don’t expect everyone to be as happy for you as you are, but most importantly, ignore the idiots out there just as you would at home. If you look to find a deeper, maybe long-term/life-time relationship, then enjoy that path, as well. It’s just as potentially bumpy as it is at home, and you’ll still have to ignore the idiots in the world, but the potential to find a wonderful, positive life-long relationship (that includes equally loving in-laws, friends and co-workers) exists, as well.
I have been living in Korea for the past 2 months and I was involved with a girl. It\’s not because I find them attractive, Its because you don\’t find other girls here in Korea.
I don\’t mean to condemn Koreans or the similar race, but the reason they are not attractive at all is because of their deformed eyes and shape of their faces. I think evolution wise there is something seriously wrong with Korean race. Why else there eyes would be like that.
And these girls are crazy about white guys. The only reason they don\’t date many because they cant speak or understand a word of English. But still most of them dream of living in US. Also most of the things they copy and try to imitate US. Like baseball, golf even religion.
So if you are a white and want to date a Korean girl its not difficult. Just find a girl who can speak English or learn to speak korean. Then you\’ll have hell lot of girl opportunities…
this is word from the homelessexual white man who does not understand Korea culture. In Korea there is no aids until the white man and chocolate man arrive to poison Korea lady. That is why Korean culture is very frighten about the poreigner, can you criticize for that? Many poreigner make romance inside the Korean lady and then leave Korea because of fail the drug test for example, and then we have strangee look baby like hines ward (but he ok because he is famous hip hop man). Also it is very important to look after family and education cost is very high in Korea, englishee teach cannot afford to pay MBA cost at Harvard for example. Don’t blame the Korea lady because you are gay style like Tim Okazaki.
LongTimeKoreaXpat, you sound like the founder of KBC, not that you are, but your confused Korea washed logic is the same as his. There is a problem with following advice from what I like to call “Born Again Koreans” like you. You’re not normal and are anomalies.
I take it you’re were an American that came to Korea in the late 80′s / 90′s and never left. Why did you escape your life back home? Publicly, you might provide a sugar coated answer that would be understandable if you were escaping from places like Nigeria such as “to seek a better opportunities”, or a Korea Tourism type answer like, “I fell in love with the culture, and never left”. When people permanently leave developed western countries and jump into Korea with your level of commitment, it’s not normal.
There are usually deep psychological and identity issues at play that intensely fuel motivation to become so integrated and earn approval from Korean society. Sometimes it’s purely emotional, such as following in love with a native and wanting to stay.
What I’m trying to say is you’re an exception to the rule. Normal people don’t easily drop their identities as much as you did. In fact, Koreans don’t do it either. Out of all the Asian-American groups in the US, they are among the most ethnocentric and resistant to assimilate. That’s why places like Korea Town in LA still thrive while Chinatowns, Little Tokyos are scaling down to tourist attractions rather than a necessity.
Food for thought: Do you see the hypocrisy and paradox in your effort to assimilate into Korea? Assuming you had a stable, married and healthy parents back in the states, your economic situation was stable, and you had sense of history and tradition back home. Then your permanent expatriation to a country that was still developing to work as what I’m assuming was an ESL teacher in the 80′s / 90′s is counter-culture to Korean society. You left your own family’s dinner table to try and find a seat at a Korean one. You could live in Korea for 50 more years, but you can’t expunge that from the back of a proud, nationalistic, culture & family loyal Confucian mind. What you did was opposite of that.
ehehe!
I like a few of this comments, but the best one is the original one. I guess he is totally aware about this.
Anyway: I have been involved and seriously in love for a korean woman 18 years ago. The relationship ended after 2 years when we had to go to the deeper decision: get together officially with her family. So, she got married after a few blind dates, as korean tradition mostly imposes ( let’s avoid to talk about it..) We were in Italy, that moment.
Now, 18 years ago, in Seoul, I got trapped again by this amazing beauty wich is korean eyes ( sorry Mike, your are totally busted) After two months in Korea and 2 in Italy ( I was in Italy, she was here) she said it to her family and, again, same story. She got surrounded by the family as a defence against “that italian man” and she will be again in blind date soon…and soon married. I bet.
If you are a girl around 30 years old, and you are a not an officially-engaged-korean girl…well…good luck! I thought Korea, but mostly a huge city like Seoul or Pusan, the city of my first korean love, had changed alot in this 2 decades, but not enought to solve this traditional problem.
Maybe we have the same problem in Italy, I have no idea, I never heard about it from any of my friends, but it will be on south or in a very small villages. As you understand, and you know a bit about math, i’m not a teenager anymore.
Anyway… I might be inclusive, but I don’t want now.
I’m just frustrated and sad.
And a bit angry!
well…mr. Cho and Mr. Koreanblah:
relax man!
Another friend of mine, a spanish teacher, architect, used to live and work in New York in a very good firm, moved to Seoul and he still living here since more than 2 years. He said that if you learn too much to speak korean or if you stay here too long eveybody think that you are a looser in your country!
ahah !…I can’t believe that he is right…
I guess this is a sign of a very deep sense of inferiority.
Sorry about that.
Even if he was a Korean that came America in the 1980s or 90s what difference does that make? What makes you have a better stand on the issue?
Look, I have as much nationalistic spirit as the other guy but I realize Korea has its issue socially, politically, and all around. What country doesn’t? What if he does have pride for Korea? You make it like it wrong. For the record Koreans have been immigrating back and forth to the States and Korea since the 1950s. There are plenty of first, second, third generations Korean, Korean Americans for years. There is also plenty of other cultures with the same idea Europe for instance.
Concerning people like the long time Expat, many have the same right or further say they are both American and Korean. I for a fact, have a American passport, birth certificate and every proof that I am a full blooded American as much as a Korean.
The issue at hand is Korea is still a very Conservative society whether you like it or not. That means foreigner acceptance or dating a foreigner is harder. That does not mean every Korean person is conservative though. Korea is progressing every so quickly by the day. The GDP from 1970s Korea to now is incredible, it is incredible how fast they have come. As a result of that social change Korea needs to catch up to the societal liberation of the west that comes with economic prosperity which is why Korean still view other white men like you as not marriage worthy.
But there is also an another issue speaking as both an American born and raised in Jersey and a Korean women, some American men come off as pigs. Many come to Korea because they only see the beauty of these girls as the only quality worth for a sexual romp. Even if they Americans date native Korean women many do not take the time to learn the culture, learn Korean diligently. Besides many as the OP said are there temporarily to earn some cash until America become stable again. During that time they see nothing wrong about dragging on their SO for months until, “Oh I decided I am not going to stay in Korea anymore”. Many men live out their fetish dream and quit. Trust me the amount of American men fetishizing Korean women or Any Asian women is staggering and fucking creepy. Get over yourself, you just don’t know Korea well and you are making assumptions based on what? nothing. Unless you lived in Korea for more than 3 or 4 years you don’t know Korea.
i really like you’re articles! but i have to say that the korean community isn’t a place where they look down on people dating foreigners…its a new thing for us and yes some people think its bad or whatever but honestly we don’t really care…go to insadong and you’ll find many korean girls with tall white guys just cruising about and no one looks..i saw a black guy with a korean girl…no one cares…i mean koreans already see so many foreginers because of business, politics, education etc. we don’t look at a western person and say “OMO! its a white guy!” we just think yeah whatever cool….probably some familes (parents) don’t approve of dating western guys because a) he might leave soon…b) the parents are worried about communication….c) just not used to it..but our generation will be a lot more accepting i hope!
keep up the awsome articles! hwaiting!!
ps) i’m korean so this isn’t some thing i made up!
this is true…but accept the fact that korean girls can be easily F*cked… ive been in boracay, philippines several times and whenever i met a korean woman i am very sure i will get a score on her.. but if you ask them about their personal details like e-mail adds etc., to communicate in the future, they wont give it… they just want sex with foreigners not serious relationships…
well..maybe not all.. but there are many
I find it sad that the main issue is that they are racist…